Don't Let Your Kids Drink From an Empty Cup
I used to think it was selfish to put myself first. Despite the well-known reminder every time I fly to secure my oxygen mask before helping others, I still felt like it was selfish to think of myself first. That is, until I had 6 kids in the house and realized that if I wasn’t taking care of myself, I had absolutely nothing (nothing good anyway) to give them.
It has been a common theme for me (and I think for most people) to put others first. Helping a friend with something when I’d rather be doing something else, staying late at work to help out when I was overworked and overtired because I felt guilty about leaving on time, attending a function because I felt obligated, not because I actually wanted to go, making dinner for everyone because I felt like I had to – the list is endless. After I got married, I often put my husband first, and when we had a baby, I always put her first. Once we began to care for foster kids and our house was full, I quickly realized that putting myself in 8th place (after 6 kids and my hubby - and sometimes 9th place when the dog came first!), there is nothing left. And if my cup is empty, I have nothing to share.
Everything that we do that is not in alignment (anything that doesn’t feel good to us or make us happy) is an energy leak and makes us weaker (feeling drained and less happy). When we care for others or do something out of obligation or sacrifice (rather than out of love and the desire to do it), it doesn’t help anyone. When I was taking care of all of the kids and feeling exhausted and resentful, what I was giving wasn’t worth giving. Like the saying goes, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”
So, how do you put yourself first and still do the things that need to get done? On a very high level, I would say make sure your life is aligned with what makes you happy and clear up your energy leaks; that job you dread going to every day, the relationship that is more painful than joyful, the toxic friends – anything that does not make your heart sing. Because if you are spending most of your time doing things that don’t fulfill you, it’s impossible to make up for it with vacations, massages, naps, etc., and you’ll never feel truly happy.
When I first heard Dr. Christiane Northrup talk about this, I thought, “Well, then I wouldn’t do any of the stuff that I’m doing!” and thought it was impractical and a pipe dream to have a life like this (that’s how out of alignment my life was). After working with Kristian Strang and paying more attention to how I felt and what I really wanted, I realized that life really is supposed to be filled with people and things that you love, and it really is possible to live this way (in fact, Kristian's new program is titled “Create a Life You Never Have to Take a Vacation From”!).
At first, this sounds overwhelming and impossible, so start small. Cancel the play date that you don’t enjoy that you only do for the kiddos and pick something you will all have fun doing. Stop going to that book group that makes you feel guilty because you don’t actually have time to read the book. Give up the work happy hour that you only go to to “get ahead” and do something just for you instead. Once you get in the habit of doing this, it gets easier, then you can tackle the big stuff (the job, etc.).
After that, it’s the little stuff that matters (which is also helpful even if you’re not ready to tackle the big stuff). Figure out what self-care you need (more sleep, monthly massages, yoga, etc.), and what makes you happy, and then find a way to make time for it. For me, my must-haves are my morning gratitude and meditation ritual, my afternoon nap and time with my hubby every day
Here are several ways that I have found time for myself and put myself first, even with 6 kids!
Rest time for EVERYONE: The young kids take naps. The middle kids are allowed to take two toys to their room and they have to stay on their beds to play with them (and they usually get bored and fall asleep). The older kids who don’t need naps can read, color, etc. in their room as long as they are quiet. If they aren’t quiet, they lose their toys. If they need to be separated, do it (we had one resting on the couch with me for a few weeks because he couldn’t behave alone in his room). When they rest, you rest! If napping isn’t your thing, read a good book or do something just for you.
Early bed time: We moved bedtime up so my husband and I would have more time to ourselves after the kiddos went down. We start the bedtime routine at 7 so by the time everyone has cleaned up, put on jammies and brushed their teeth, they are ready for stories and songs and in bed by 7:30. The older kiddo goes to his room at 8 and reads or plays Legos, so we have plenty of time to ourselves. We also rotate bedtime so my hubby does it one night and then I do it the next. That means every other night I am free at 7 o’clock! This is also when I do my once a week grocery trip – Costco is empty by 8 o’clock and there is zero traffic!
Clean Up: Everyone cleans up after themselves (except the baby of course). Before every snack or meal, everyone cleans up whatever they have been playing with. This was tested a few times, but they quickly caved and cleaned up when they saw everyone else eating without them!
Sleep Tricks:
Black out shades! This makes bedtime easier in the summer because it’s actually dark when they go to bed and helps us gain at least 30 minutes of kid-less-ness every morning.
Separate kids who wake each other up: we made our extra room a bedroom because two of the kiddos would wake each other up super early.
Wake up time: Give kids who are old enough a wake up time. We don’t allow them to go downstairs and play before 7am. They can play quietly in their rooms, or sit out and read books in the common area upstairs (where I can see them from my bed as I am feeding the baby). Note: Don’t allow them to do anything super fun when they wake up (tv/video games, etc) or they will wake up earlier to do it.
If the baby is awake, but playing quietly in the crib, I can leave her there and get an extra 10 to 15 minutes of sleep.
Dinner: I prefer to make everything healthy and from scratch, but I’ve learned to let this go a bit. If a frozen pizza or a stack of PB & Js once in a while can help save my sanity, then so be it! I also shop and cook in bulk – leftovers are a quick and easy lunch the next day!
Now, I have a super helpful husband and my Mom lives close and is here often, which makes life SO much easier. If you are a single parent or have less help, here are some ideas:
Have a friend/family member come over for a few hours a week to help out and give you a break
Do “trade-offs” with a friend for baby sitting or other things (does she like to clean but hate to cook? Trade!)
Hire the responsible high schooler down the street to play with the kids while you relax or take a nap
I also have the privilege of getting to stay at home. For those working parents, here are a few more ideas:
Do bulk cooking on Sundays and make meals for the whole week in one day (there are tons of great recipe ideas that include shopping lists online), or have the kiddos help you cook so you can spend more time together (the kids LOVE this, although it does take longer)
Take one day or partial day off per month and do something just for you (a massage, etc.)
Hire someone to clean your house (or job trade for something you like to do)
Ask your employer if you can work from home a few days per month, work four-ten hour days, or go in earlier so you can get off earlier (or vice versa)
The basic rule is, your alignment is key – figure out what makes you feel good and don’t worry about the rest! Yes, this sounds selfish - IT IS NOT! Imagine how impatient and irritated you are when you’re not at your best – is this who you want to be for your kids? No.
The house will be messier and the dinners may be more generic (or made by someone else), but I promise in the long run your kids won’t care. They will remember that you were happy and that’s all that matters!
Important Side Note: If a clean house makes you happy - clean it (or better yet, teach the kids to clean it)! The kids will be fine!
