PEACE. LOVE. DIVORCE. Yes…it’s really possible.

Dominique and I have decided to get a divorce.

I know…it’s shocking. 

I know…it’s sad. 

But I promise, there’s a happy ending.  I’d like to show you what’s possible in divorce, because I had no idea that it could be done.  And apparently there’s a name for it too; conscious uncoupling.  Ending a marriage with peace and love.

And please note, I’m writing this with the humor and perspective that only months of processing the grief and all of the emotions that come with divorce can give you.  I understand if you’re not there yet – it really does take time.

But, you guys were so happy!?!  Yes – we love each other dearly as best friends – that’s why we were so happy, but are you married to all of your best friends?  Is that a valid reason to stay married? 

But…what about Isabella?!?  Yes. This was absolutely the hardest part and why it took so long to even consider divorce. Read on and I will explain why she is ultimately one of the reasons that made this choice the right one for our family.

But, you made a promise and took vows – till death do us part!  Yes, and when we made that promise and took those vows, we absolutely, whole-heartedly meant it, and it was beautiful.  And technically, those two young versions of ourselves from almost a decade ago kept their promise – they are no longer with us – we really are different people.

Well, did you even try?!  What about therapy, what about…yes – we tried all the things. For a long time.  And then, one day we realized, there isn’t anything broken here, there is nothing to be fixed, we have just transitioned into our next unfolding - a new stage of our relationship; friends and co-parents.

But, divorce is wrong!  Ok, hold on. Divorce may be wrong for YOU.  You don’t have to get a divorce.  It may be against your values, or your religion, but I’m also certain that a guiding principal of your religion is not to judge others.  We don’t know what is best for anyone else – we can only know our own path and what is best for ourselves.  I hope you’ll keep reading to understand another perspective and to see how intertwined Spirit was in this decision.

Here’s the deal. Nothing – NO THING (including your marriage) – is more important than being who you truly are; living your absolute highest life, living your destiny, walking your path – living your truth.

We got married in our mid-twenties and spent years growing together and changing together – both providing exactly what the other needed to become who we were each meant to become.  Ironically, this allowed us to become the people we are today – the two people who are now meant to go off on their own paths and continue to grow and change separately.

We tried very hard for years to change while still being similar enough to the old versions of ourselves to honor our marriage, but it hurt both of us.  The farther we walked on our own paths, the farther apart we got.  It became necessary for us to compromise our own path and our own truth in order to walk together.  And I know that everyone says compromise is a must in a happy marriage, but I disagree.  Compromise creates a lose-lose situation where neither of you gets what you want. The actual definition of compromise is “an agreement of a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.” I am not willing to make concessions on who I am meant to be and walking my highest path and I am certainly not ok with someone else doing it in the name of love for me.

Now, let me be clear.  In order to know your true self, your highest path, to follow the call of your heart and higher purpose, you have to do the work.  This is not some crazy “the grass is greener on the other side” or some other unconscious reason why many marriages fail.  We did the work together and we did the work separately.  I have spent years learning about spirit, my higher path, how to connect to my true source self and intuition through meditation, prayer and one of the most amazing spiritual mentors and teams, so I can now trust the guidance that comes to me as my highest path vs some unconscious story that would have been playing in my head years ago had I been in the same position.  We both know in our hearts that this is the right path for us.

I would imagine that many marriages end in anger, fear, hate, jealousy or blame – all unconscious. Our marriage ended fully consciously in love and peace.  We did a lot of soul searching together and separately, a lot of crying and a lot of talking and we both ended up at the same place – our relationship is not broken, there is nothing to fix, it is just different.  It has evolved into the next right stage for us – friends and co-parents.

And yes, this was incredibly sad for a long time.  We grieved our marriage as you would the death of a loved one.  Everything we thought we had was gone – our family, our future as we had planned it, our entire life as we knew it – gone.  However, despite the sadness and grief, it still always felt like the right path for us.  It felt hard, it felt incredibly sad, but it never felt wrong.  And I still cry as I write this now, months later, even though looking back I am more sure than ever that this was the right thing for our family.

Yes – we were happy together, we were comfortable, and we loved our family and our life.  But life is too short for comfortable and it’s even too short for happy.  We came here to live our absolute highest purpose – to live a life that is beyond our wildest dreams, full of purpose and passion and joy and bliss.  To be the best version of ourselves that we have ever been and to give the world whatever gift we are here to share.

And hear me on this - if you don’t feel like you are living your highest path – DO NOT blame your spouse and think the solution is divorce.  I see so many people (my younger self included) blaming their spouse for their lackluster life or for settling and not living their dreams.  I would say 9 times out of 10 this has nothing to do with your marriage – it’s all you.  And I know, that sounds harsh, but everything (Every. Thing.) comes down to you and how you are showing up for yourself and the world.  And until you can see everything in your life as a gift, showing you exactly where YOU need to heal and grow and do your personal work, don’t make any external changes.  When you can change and show up for everything and everyone in your life with peace and love, your life will change and the changes that do need to be made will become clear, or mis-aligned aspects will fall away naturally.  Maybe it’s your job, maybe it’s your lifestyle or friends, maybe it’s your negative self-talk or limiting beliefs.  Maybe you need to find a passion or a hobby that lights you up or spend more time in meditation to get to know yourself and who you really are.  There are so many external things that can be changed, but don’t start “out there”.  And certainly don’t blame your marriage or your spouse (or anyone else).  It starts with you.

In our case we did the individual work and found that neither of us were the best versions of ourselves together.  We were holding each other back, because we were holding ourselves back in order to stay together.  We were each making sacrifices of ourselves in order to be with the other, and that brings everybody down. Love is not about making sacrifices.  It’s about loving someone so much, and loving yourself so much, that you can’t do anything but what is best for them and what is best for you.    

Since we’ve been apart we have both moved forward on our own paths at lightning speed – both accomplishing things we had wanted to do or tried to do for years together.  We are now more fully ourselves than we have ever been and it is beautiful.

Dominique lives only a few miles away and sees Isabella almost every day.  We still spend holidays and birthdays together and we are still a family full of love, we just live separately. 

And when someone asks me what I would want Isabella to do in this situation, thinking we are making a mistake, I will tell them that I would want her to do exactly what we are doing.  To follow her heart and her soul truth no matter what anyone thinks because there is nothing that is more important.  This path is hers and hers alone, and as long as she is fully connected to source (God, the Universe, her higher self) and acting in love and peace, she can do no wrong.  I hope that someday she will know this kind of love for herself and for others, because this kind of love can change the world.

When Kristian Strang wrote about love and relationships in “A Life of Magic” and talked about how the endings and the “coming apart” can be as beautiful and loving as the coming together, I’m sure I did an eye roll and thought, “yea sure”.  But this experience has proven that to be true.  I am eternally grateful for this path and this experience and I have learned that peace and love are possible in any situation.  I am looking forward to sharing this knowledge and spreading peace and love in my next endeavor.  Stay tuned for what’s next!