Energy is Everything – You Can't Fake Calm
As some of you know, we’re beginning week 4 of our foster journey with a toddler and soon-to-be middle schooler. I’ve always known that there are some important aspects of being a good parent; love, patience, consistency, positive discipline/boundaries, etc. What I didn’t realize until last week is that none of these matter as much as one thing – energy. If you can’t remain calm and act from a peaceful place, it negates everything else that you’re doing. Energy is everything.
I learned this the hard way. As I was changing the diaper of our foster toddler and he was flailing and kicking me, I used my positive and respectful parenting responses (calmly saying, “We don’t kick, I won’t let you kick me” and holding his legs gently so he couldn’t kick me). However, he is extremely large and strong for a toddler and I almost can’t physically prevent him from kicking me. As he continued to ignore and kick me, I was getting frustrated. I maintained my calm exterior, but was getting upset on the inside. When I looked up at him and he was smirking at me as he continued to kick, I got pissed. Although I did not yell and remained “calm” on the outside, he could obviously tell that he rattled me as I sternly tried to tell him again not to kick. The madder I got, the bigger his smirk grew and the more he kicked.
I was at a loss – how am I supposed to stop this behavior with positivity? Thankfully, I found the answer almost immediately. I went to my nicely stocked bookshelf and pulled out a lifesaver, No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Lansbury – a great collection of her blog posts in a short, easy to read book. I checked the table of contents and went directly to chapter 15, “Biting, Hitting, Kicking”. I found that I was missing one key ingredient, the most important thing – I was faking it – I wasn’t actually calm.
As Janet explains, “Children sense it when the leaders they count on have lost control, and that makes them feel less safe and too powerful…The beauty of an unruffled, helpful attitude is that it allows our child to relax knowing his parents ‘have his back’…He’s assured he has anchors – patient teachers capable of handling anything he tosses their way with relative ease…With the knowledge that their parents will always help them handle the behaviors they can’t handle themselves, children feel safe to struggle, make mistakes, grow and learn with confidence.”
As I read these words I felt the clouds part and angels sing Hallelujah! Ok, not really…but I knew I had found something good! Later that afternoon I was excited to try it out and was given ample opportunities – and boy did it work!
The only problem with this? You can’t fake calm – you actually have to BE calm. Not so easy some days, I know. I later found a blog post of Janet’s (www.janetlansbury.com) talking about being “easy breezy”, which I think really helps put you in the right mindset for discipline. There’s a big difference between saying, “Don’t throw that toy at me. If you do it again I’m going to take it away from you” in an “easy breezy” way vs. a stern way. Think “I don’t have a care in the world” and “it’s no big deal” vs. finger wagging and mad or offended that they would throw a toy at you.
Here are some of my favorite examples from last week:
As he is banging his plate on the counter and yelling for more food, “I don’t want you to yell at me and bang your plate, you need to ask nicely for more. If you do that again, I’m going to take it away from you”. He (of course) does it again. I take away the plate, he screams and cries and a tantrum ensues. Now he says, “More please” in his cute little toddler voice.
As he is sitting at the counter while I cook dinner (his favorite spot), I tell him, “If you’re going to sit up here you need to keep your hands behind this line – this is very hot and you will burn yourself.” He promptly puts his hand over the line. I tell him, “If you do that again I’m going to take you down and you can’t come back up”. He (of course) does it again. I nicely lift him off of his stool and put him on the floor. A tantrum ensues and he starts to climb back up on the stool. I take him off nicely again and let him know that he can’t come back up. The tantrum escalates and he starts to climb back up on the stool as he is screaming and crying. I take him off nicely and he continues his tantrum on the floor. This lesson took two separate occasions to learn, but now he sits at the counter nicely with his hands behind the line. He did test me today and I let him know I would take him down if he did it again – now he knows I’m serious – he didn’t do it again.
I literally have a hundred examples of this from the past few weeks and it has worked every time. The only time it doesn’t work is when I’m faking it and only trying or pretending to be “easy breezy”. You can’t fake calm – energy is the key.
I was reminded of this again today. At the end of a very long day with little sleep (I also have a teething 8 month old), he was testing me and I was only able to fake my calm. He immediately picked up on this and took advantage of it, ignoring me and continuing to do what I asked him not to. As I leaned down to stop him, he slapped me across the face (hard). Lightning flashed in my eyes and I was instantly pissed. There was a moment of fear in his eyes when he realized what he’d done and what I might do, then that crazy making smirk came across his face because he knew he got to me and he knew I wasn’t going to do “anything” – and he slapped me again (even harder) with the hand that I wasn’t holding. It only took me a few seconds to snap back into “game mode” as I thought, “Ah, you got me that time!” I took a deep breath and became “actual calm” and then the power struggle was over – I win!
Today reminded me of how difficult it is to remain calm during certain situations and I learned a great lesson. I should have stopped and calmed myself when I was only faking calm before going over to discipline him. If he had slapped me when I was easy breezy, it would not have created the immediate lightning flash (and he likely would not have slapped me), but I was already irritated so it immediately pushed me over the edge. Next time, I’ll stop myself, take a deep breath or remember “the game” and then continue. And my face will be much better for it!
Having trouble remaining calm? First of all, be aware of your triggers. Our children are our greatest teachers and they will show us what we need to work on. At the end of the day, think back to what really got to you that day and how it made you feel to get a sense of what in you was sparked. If you find that you are getting easily irritated at things that may not generally get to you, you may need some time to yourself: a bath, massage, pedicure, a nap, a night out. Hire a baby sitter for a few hours, have a friend/family member help out, or have the responsible high schooler next door play with the kiddos while you have an hour at home to yourself.
Less time? How about a quick cat nap, dancing to your favorite song, a short meditation, a cup of tea, a good book, chatting with a friend on the phone, funny kitten videos on YouTube or hitting a punching bag or a pillow to release some frustration.
Don’t have time for any of this because you have a screaming child in your face? Turn around for a moment and just breathe. Leave the room if you can, or just turn around, plug your ears and breathe. Deep belly breaths – in through the nose gathering up all of the frustration and out through the mouth releasing it. Count to ten, collect yourself, realize that this little "devil" in front of you is just asking for help or attention in the only way they know how at the moment and then act from that space. It won’t always be possible not to get rattled, but the more aware you are and the more you put this into practice, the more it works and the easier it is. Think of it like a game – “Ah, you almost got me that time! Ha!” Easy breezy...
