When Spanking Is The Only Thing That Works...Please Try Again
I know – I don’t know your child, you’re at your wits end, he won’t listen, nothing else will work and you’ve tried everything. But please, try again. Yes, I hear you – you got spanked and you turned out fine, nothing else will work, some kids need to be spanked. No, they really don’t and I’m begging you to try again – violence is never the answer and there is always another way. Yes, it’s harder in the beginning and takes much more time and patience, but I promise it will be worth it.
What do I know? We’ll, we live with the tantrum and boundary-testing king. Our two year old foster child came from a violent home – he came kicking, screaming and yelling like I’ve never seen (think Exorcist – really, I’m not kidding). When we first got him, there were days when he would spend more time crying, yelling and acting out than not – some tantrums would link right to the next and literally last for hours. He was unraveling at the seams (understandable given his situation and age – being two is hard enough already!). When he was throwing his dishes and yelling for more food, kicking and hitting us (and the dog, and kids at the playground, and, and, and…), many might have thought, “This kid needs to be spanked.” It might have appeared that positive parenting wasn’t working when boundary after boundary was tested and the behavior continued, but after a few weeks of calmly and consistently setting and re-enforcing boundaries, the marathon battles subsided and we were left with a normal two year old – one who still tests boundaries and has the occasional tantrum. But it no longer resembles the Exorcist and we have a happy house again.
Will it be easy? No, it may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, because in addition to not spanking, the most important thing is maintaining your peaceful, positive energy (see more on that here). But, it will also be the most important thing, and I believe the most rewarding thing you’ve ever done. And we’re proof that you can do it and it works. This toddler went from being spanked and yelled at to being peacefully and positively parented and I believe that it changed his life (and it most certainly changed ours). I am certain that he would not be the funny, happy, sweet boy that he is now if we were spanking and punishing him the “old fashioned” way, and our house would be a chaotic, screaming mad house (as it was when he arrived). Violence creates more violence, love creates more love.
What’s the best method to try? I don’t believe that one thing will work for every child or parent, but you can do what I did – check out books, look at parenting websites and blogs and ask around. See what works for others and then try it – use a combination of things. I use a mix of Respectful Parenting, Gentle Parenting, Positive Parenting, Attachment Parenting and Parenting with Love and Logic. I call it, “Respectful-Gentle-Positive-Attachment Parenting with Love and Logic,” ha! I take what feels good and makes sense for us from each style and leave the rest. Some of it is contradictory (attachment parenting literally says the opposite of respectful parenting) – use your intuition and do what feels good to you, and keep trying until something works.
Here are my favorites:
Elevating Child Care, a guide to respectful parenting – Janet Lansbury (www.janetlansbury.com)
No Bad Kids, toddler discipline without shame – Janet Lansbury
The Conscious Parent – Shefali Tsabary, P.H.D.
Parenting with Love & Logic – Foster Cline, M.D. & Jim Fay
The Attachment Parenting Book : A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby – William Sears, M.D. & Martha Sears, R.N.
And remember – the MOST important part of all of this and the reason it may not have worked for you before…your energy (reminder here).
